If you can, go to some place which is safe---perhaps a friends' house, or a park, or maybe an empty lot somewhere or a library. Sit down and close your eyes. Imagine yourself in a new place where no one can harm you. You can go to the store, you can take your children (if you have any) to play in a park or go out at night to have dinner with a friend! And in all of the above, when you return to your home, you will be safe. It will be a happy place where you can paint, write, cook. . .do anything you want to do.
But how are you going to get there? Don't panic. Here are several ideas you can consider: And REMEMBER: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A FELONY!!!
1. Go to live with a relative (whom he does not know) who willing accepts you with love.
2. Go live with a good friend (whom your abuser does not know) and begin to reconstruct your new life.
If you don't have the above options, call your local Domestic Violence Shelter and see if they can get you in? There are SAFE PLACES in every state. But make the call from anywhere but home. YOU WILL BE PROTECTED!!
Showing posts with label Domestic Violence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Domestic Violence. Show all posts
Friday, March 2, 2012
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Learning How to Let Go of Shame and Blame to become a SURVIVOR
When I finally filed for divorce, I was riddled with shame and blame.
He cried as if I was being the cruel individual. All the flowers I received (in his mind) made him think "I apologized. I sent her flowers. I gave her gifts."
Over and over again, these emotions would take over. But I finally developed a mantra: I WAS NOT THE ABUSER. I DID NOTHING TO CREATE THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. I HAVE NO SHAME. I HAVE NO BLAME. Repeat this daily, as often as it is necessary until you are free of feeling any reqrets. You tried everything you knew to stop the violence. The man you married or lived with gave you no indication of what was going to happen before you decided to live together. You were both in that "I love you and can't live without you stage."
We often blame ourselves for things we NEVER DID. But to be free of the past, you have to confront and deal with the truth: the feelings of Shame or Blame are not yours. They are his! And remember, you are one of millions who have experienced this. Be honest with yourself; join a group of women with similar experiences. It will help you to understand you are not alone and that you will survive!
He cried as if I was being the cruel individual. All the flowers I received (in his mind) made him think "I apologized. I sent her flowers. I gave her gifts."
Over and over again, these emotions would take over. But I finally developed a mantra: I WAS NOT THE ABUSER. I DID NOTHING TO CREATE THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. I HAVE NO SHAME. I HAVE NO BLAME. Repeat this daily, as often as it is necessary until you are free of feeling any reqrets. You tried everything you knew to stop the violence. The man you married or lived with gave you no indication of what was going to happen before you decided to live together. You were both in that "I love you and can't live without you stage."
We often blame ourselves for things we NEVER DID. But to be free of the past, you have to confront and deal with the truth: the feelings of Shame or Blame are not yours. They are his! And remember, you are one of millions who have experienced this. Be honest with yourself; join a group of women with similar experiences. It will help you to understand you are not alone and that you will survive!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
What Are The Warning Signs of Potential Abuse, Domestic Violence While You are Dating or Engaged?
Steve and Becky had been dating for several weeks. Becky’s friend had introduced them, told her he had been married before and had a two year old son.
When they met, the connection and infatuation was immediate. Both had high responsibility jobs which they didn’t discuss and worked ten hour days. They shared a quick wit, had equally high intelligence and seemed to bask in the glow of each other. They exchanged phone numbers but not home addresses.
Two weeks after the introduction, he sent her a lavish bouquet of flowers to the office (she assumed her friend had given him the job address) with a card that asked her to join him for dinner at a posh restaurant. She called and accepted the invitation. “I will meet you there.”
“Not necessary my princess,” he said. “I have it all arranged. I will pick you up about six, okay?”
Becky chose her words carefully. “That’s very chivalrous Steve, but I will meet you at six, okay?”
There was a brief silence. “No, my little princess, THAT is not okay. I will pick you up and that is non-negotiable, okay? I’m not comfortable having you drive around the city at night.”
Becky was irritated and abrupt. ‘Little princess?’ she thought. “At the risk of sounding rude, Steve, I will meet you there. And THAT is non-negotiable!”
“Fine,” he snapped and slammed down the phone.
At dinner that night he was gracious with a slight undertone of annoyance. “So, are you one of those women who rules the roost?”
Becky tried to keep the atmosphere amiable and laughed. “No, I compromise. So, tell me about your job?”
Steve was a mood magician. The smile was back. “Well, I’m a lawyer, soon to become a partner in the firm. I graduated top of my class at Rutgers School of Law in New Jersey and was awarded the Order of the Coif. I had so many job offers I couldn’t keep up with them. Now, let’s talk about you. Aren’t you a law clerk or a legal secretary?”
She took a sip of wine. “Well, congratulations! That is a prestigious award.” She paused, then added, “as for me, I’m a corporate attorney. I graduated from Yale Law School.”
His mood changed abruptly. He never acknowledged her achievement. “Let’s order dinner.” He summoned the waiter. And without asking Becky what she wanted, he ordered prime rib for both.
Becky interrupted. “Actually, I would prefer seafood. I would like to begin with oysters on the half shell. And what is the fish of the day?”
“Tilapia,” responded the waiter, “in a white wine sauce.”
She smiled as she handed him the menu. “Perfect! And may I also have a glass of your best Pinot Gruigio?”
“So, Steve,” she said with a smile. “I understand you have a young son. Tell me about him?”
He was quiet for a moment. “There really isn’t anything to tell. I haven’t seen him in months. His mother was awarded full custody which was fine with me. I didn’t want a child to begin with.”
The NATIONAL COALITION AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE has issued several warning signs all women need to know about while dating or engaged that could lead to Domestic Violence and Abuse. Become aware of any man who tries to use power and control over you. Look out for his tendency to intimidate you, put you down or humiliate you trying to make you feel guilty. They often create accusations of jealousy to justify their actions. There can also be demands as you progress in the relationship to quit your job. This is labeled “Economic Abuse”, preventing you from keeping a job and earning your own money.
EDUCATE YOURSELF ON THE ABOVE BEFORE YOU AGREE TO MOVE IN WITH SOMEONE, OR WORSE, TO MARRY THEM!
When they met, the connection and infatuation was immediate. Both had high responsibility jobs which they didn’t discuss and worked ten hour days. They shared a quick wit, had equally high intelligence and seemed to bask in the glow of each other. They exchanged phone numbers but not home addresses.
Two weeks after the introduction, he sent her a lavish bouquet of flowers to the office (she assumed her friend had given him the job address) with a card that asked her to join him for dinner at a posh restaurant. She called and accepted the invitation. “I will meet you there.”
“Not necessary my princess,” he said. “I have it all arranged. I will pick you up about six, okay?”
Becky chose her words carefully. “That’s very chivalrous Steve, but I will meet you at six, okay?”
There was a brief silence. “No, my little princess, THAT is not okay. I will pick you up and that is non-negotiable, okay? I’m not comfortable having you drive around the city at night.”
Becky was irritated and abrupt. ‘Little princess?’ she thought. “At the risk of sounding rude, Steve, I will meet you there. And THAT is non-negotiable!”
“Fine,” he snapped and slammed down the phone.
At dinner that night he was gracious with a slight undertone of annoyance. “So, are you one of those women who rules the roost?”
Becky tried to keep the atmosphere amiable and laughed. “No, I compromise. So, tell me about your job?”
Steve was a mood magician. The smile was back. “Well, I’m a lawyer, soon to become a partner in the firm. I graduated top of my class at Rutgers School of Law in New Jersey and was awarded the Order of the Coif. I had so many job offers I couldn’t keep up with them. Now, let’s talk about you. Aren’t you a law clerk or a legal secretary?”
She took a sip of wine. “Well, congratulations! That is a prestigious award.” She paused, then added, “as for me, I’m a corporate attorney. I graduated from Yale Law School.”
His mood changed abruptly. He never acknowledged her achievement. “Let’s order dinner.” He summoned the waiter. And without asking Becky what she wanted, he ordered prime rib for both.
Becky interrupted. “Actually, I would prefer seafood. I would like to begin with oysters on the half shell. And what is the fish of the day?”
“Tilapia,” responded the waiter, “in a white wine sauce.”
She smiled as she handed him the menu. “Perfect! And may I also have a glass of your best Pinot Gruigio?”
“So, Steve,” she said with a smile. “I understand you have a young son. Tell me about him?”
He was quiet for a moment. “There really isn’t anything to tell. I haven’t seen him in months. His mother was awarded full custody which was fine with me. I didn’t want a child to begin with.”
The NATIONAL COALITION AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE has issued several warning signs all women need to know about while dating or engaged that could lead to Domestic Violence and Abuse. Become aware of any man who tries to use power and control over you. Look out for his tendency to intimidate you, put you down or humiliate you trying to make you feel guilty. They often create accusations of jealousy to justify their actions. There can also be demands as you progress in the relationship to quit your job. This is labeled “Economic Abuse”, preventing you from keeping a job and earning your own money.
EDUCATE YOURSELF ON THE ABOVE BEFORE YOU AGREE TO MOVE IN WITH SOMEONE, OR WORSE, TO MARRY THEM!
Monday, August 8, 2011
THE POTENTIAL DANGER OF SEARCHING THE INTERNET FOR INFORMATION ON DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AT HOME!
Yes, the internet has a wealth of information to help you get away from your abuser. But: DO NOT DO THIS AT HOME. You never know when your abusive partner may walk in while you are searching.
I suggest you either go to the home of a friend or to the library. You will have the momentary emotional peace to search for what you need. ALWAYS THINK OF YOUR SAFETY FIRST AND YOUR CHILDREN!
I suggest you either go to the home of a friend or to the library. You will have the momentary emotional peace to search for what you need. ALWAYS THINK OF YOUR SAFETY FIRST AND YOUR CHILDREN!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Are You Being ABUSED? Don't Wait until you are ABUSED, AGAIN!
In my book, many people ask me why I stayed so long in the marriage. The answer is not a simple one.
My abuse began in 1967. It was not a topic ANYONE discussed. There were no shelters or laws against Domestic Violence---WHICH IS NOW A FELONY! And yes, I thought I could change him.
I was so wrong. If you are being abused by a spouse or partner, make the decision TO GET OUT NOW.
I stayed for too many years in a love-hate relationship and was severely injured several times. . .injuries that are still creating health problems in 2011! I urge you to get help NOW.
And, if you have a job, go to your boss, be totally honest with what is happening and explain that you need to get out! There are few bosses that will not understand the life-threatening environment you are in. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM.
CALL THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE toll free number: 1-800-799-SAFE
You can contact me on my website @ http://domesticviolencechronicle.com/.
HERE'S TO YOUR BRAVERY AND A PEACEFUL LIFE!
My abuse began in 1967. It was not a topic ANYONE discussed. There were no shelters or laws against Domestic Violence---WHICH IS NOW A FELONY! And yes, I thought I could change him.
I was so wrong. If you are being abused by a spouse or partner, make the decision TO GET OUT NOW.
I stayed for too many years in a love-hate relationship and was severely injured several times. . .injuries that are still creating health problems in 2011! I urge you to get help NOW.
And, if you have a job, go to your boss, be totally honest with what is happening and explain that you need to get out! There are few bosses that will not understand the life-threatening environment you are in. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM.
CALL THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE toll free number: 1-800-799-SAFE
You can contact me on my website @ http://domesticviolencechronicle.com/.
HERE'S TO YOUR BRAVERY AND A PEACEFUL LIFE!
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