When I finally filed for divorce, I was riddled with shame and blame.
He cried as if I was being the cruel individual. All the flowers I received (in his mind) made him think "I apologized. I sent her flowers. I gave her gifts."
Over and over again, these emotions would take over. But I finally developed a mantra: I WAS NOT THE ABUSER. I DID NOTHING TO CREATE THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. I HAVE NO SHAME. I HAVE NO BLAME. Repeat this daily, as often as it is necessary until you are free of feeling any reqrets. You tried everything you knew to stop the violence. The man you married or lived with gave you no indication of what was going to happen before you decided to live together. You were both in that "I love you and can't live without you stage."
We often blame ourselves for things we NEVER DID. But to be free of the past, you have to confront and deal with the truth: the feelings of Shame or Blame are not yours. They are his! And remember, you are one of millions who have experienced this. Be honest with yourself; join a group of women with similar experiences. It will help you to understand you are not alone and that you will survive!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
How To Leave An Abusive Relationship Safely
Leaving an abusive spouse or significant other can be very traumatic, however you are not alone. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, an estimated 1.3 million women are victims of domestic violence each year and the numbers are growing.
In so many cases, you as the victim of Domestic Violence, are under the control of your partner. He can be very loving and kind one moment and abusive the next. It can be very difficult to leave someone you may love, but it is important to focus on your future: a future without violence, abuse and fear.
Planning ahead is crucial:
Secretly begin to gather you items (clothing, jewelry, toiletries) and, if you have children, start collecting their clothing, toys,etc). Make certain you have essential documents: Birth Certificates, marriage license, diplomas and degrees and tax returns. Store them in a safe place--
either at a friends' house or in the trunk of your car. MAKE CERTAIN YOUR
ABUSIVE SPOUSE DOES NOT HAVE A KEY TO YOUR CAR. If he does, secretly remove
your key from his key ring, and replace it with a similar key which looks like your car key which looks like your car but, of course, it is not.
On the day you have selected, HAVE A FRIEND HE HAS MET WITH YOU FOR PROTECTION.
Fortunately, you have several options:
1. If you have relatives or friends close by who are willing and able to help you, take this under consideration. If children are involved, relatives might be the best place to stay if they are able to protect and guide you through your journey to freedom. They can also assist you in seeking the legal representation you will need.
2. Another option is to call a domestic violence shelter in your area. Shelters are set up where you can have privacy where you can rest and think. You will be guided by professionals who are well versed in all facets of Domestic Violence. If you do no know about the shelters in your state, you can contact THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC HOTLINE, on their website: http://www.ndvh.com. or call the toll free number: 1-800-799-SAFE. They will guide you to the shelters in your state. And soon you will discover that you are not alone!
It is crucial that you learn to believe in yourself again. Counseling will be extremely helpful as you climb your way to freedom. Repeat this mantra to yourself daily: "I am beginning a new life."
There is no shame in today's world regarding domestic violence as there has been in the past. Let go of negative thoughts such as "What did I do to deserve this?" NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED. Focus on a new future, free of fear and try to discard the feeling of helplessness.
So you don't think I am some fly-by-night eager to harvest some gripes of wrath, I understand what you are going through as I too was a victim of abuse. But you can become a SURVIVOR. When you have reached that rung of
your ladder to freedom, you will feel such peace and begin to understand that love with abuse, wasn't love at all.
In so many cases, you as the victim of Domestic Violence, are under the control of your partner. He can be very loving and kind one moment and abusive the next. It can be very difficult to leave someone you may love, but it is important to focus on your future: a future without violence, abuse and fear.
Planning ahead is crucial:
Secretly begin to gather you items (clothing, jewelry, toiletries) and, if you have children, start collecting their clothing, toys,etc). Make certain you have essential documents: Birth Certificates, marriage license, diplomas and degrees and tax returns. Store them in a safe place--
either at a friends' house or in the trunk of your car. MAKE CERTAIN YOUR
ABUSIVE SPOUSE DOES NOT HAVE A KEY TO YOUR CAR. If he does, secretly remove
your key from his key ring, and replace it with a similar key which looks like your car key which looks like your car but, of course, it is not.
On the day you have selected, HAVE A FRIEND HE HAS MET WITH YOU FOR PROTECTION.
Fortunately, you have several options:
1. If you have relatives or friends close by who are willing and able to help you, take this under consideration. If children are involved, relatives might be the best place to stay if they are able to protect and guide you through your journey to freedom. They can also assist you in seeking the legal representation you will need.
2. Another option is to call a domestic violence shelter in your area. Shelters are set up where you can have privacy where you can rest and think. You will be guided by professionals who are well versed in all facets of Domestic Violence. If you do no know about the shelters in your state, you can contact THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC HOTLINE, on their website: http://www.ndvh.com. or call the toll free number: 1-800-799-SAFE. They will guide you to the shelters in your state. And soon you will discover that you are not alone!
It is crucial that you learn to believe in yourself again. Counseling will be extremely helpful as you climb your way to freedom. Repeat this mantra to yourself daily: "I am beginning a new life."
There is no shame in today's world regarding domestic violence as there has been in the past. Let go of negative thoughts such as "What did I do to deserve this?" NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED. Focus on a new future, free of fear and try to discard the feeling of helplessness.
So you don't think I am some fly-by-night eager to harvest some gripes of wrath, I understand what you are going through as I too was a victim of abuse. But you can become a SURVIVOR. When you have reached that rung of
your ladder to freedom, you will feel such peace and begin to understand that love with abuse, wasn't love at all.
IS VERBAL ABUSE A FORM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Tommy, age 11 and his sister Abigail, age 9, launched into a breakfast food fight—started by Abigail. The mother was screaming at them to stop. Then their father, dressed in a suit and tie, came storming into the kitchen.
He turned to his wife and shook his fist. “You are useless. Either you learn how to be a mother or I’ll give them to someone who does!”
The food fight ceased immediately. The children ate breakfast in peace, giving quizzical looks at both parents then grabbed their lunches and book bags and headed out the door. Neither child said goodbye nor did their parents. So they were sent off to school with breakfast and hearts full of anger.
“Don’t you ever threaten to give our children away,” his wife said bitterly. “When are you going to learn how to be a father? Parents do not say such threatening things around or to children. So whatever triggered such a hateful remark needs to be handled.Grow up! And apologize to both of them when you get home!“
He took a sip of coffee and stared at her.“I have nothing to apologize for! You can’t seem to handle anything! There is nothing wrong with what I said. They were being brats and you were allowing it! I get enough pressure at work without having to deal with kids who think they can do anything and not be stopped. At least I stopped them!”
An hour after he left for work, the mother received a call from the school.
“We need to see you, Mrs. Johnson. Abigail is in the principal’s office now. Her father is on his way.”
She hastily dressed, her hands shaking, knowing this was going to be an awful confrontation. Abigail had hit a boy for calling her ‘stupid and useless’.
“Well,” the principal said, “Abigail, tell you parents what happened and why.”
She stammered and blurted out, “‘Cause my dad calls my mother that a lot. I’ve wanted to hit him before too.”
That statement now took verbal abuse to a new level . . . the stepping stone to Domestic Violence. According to the US Department of Agriculture, Safety, Health and Employee Welfare Division, verbal abuse often leads to Domestic Violence. The principal asked the parents to leave the room for a moment.
“Children? Can you tell me what happened this morning before school?”
Embarrassed, they each took their turn relating the morning events. When they were through, she asked the children to leave so she could talk to the parents.
The father took over the reins, changing the story to make his wife appear to be incapable as a parent. The principal told them both that the entire family needed counseling in order to resolve some of the issues. The father stood up, straightened his tie and said: “My wife needs the counseling. Not me. So if you will excuse me, I am late for work,” and stormed out of the principal’s office.
Variations of this same theme happen daily across the country. And if not handled appropriately, it can escalate to Domestic Violence. It is crucial that educators, friends, etc. encourage couples to get counseling. It can only get worse. And keep this in mind: No one knows just what happened that night when the husband returned from work.
WE ALL NEED TO GET INVOLVED----TO PROTECT THE CHILDREN, AND HOPEFULLY GUIDE THE ABUSIVE PEOPLE TO SEEK HELP! TOGETHER, WE CAN ALL MAKE A DIFFERENCE!
He turned to his wife and shook his fist. “You are useless. Either you learn how to be a mother or I’ll give them to someone who does!”
The food fight ceased immediately. The children ate breakfast in peace, giving quizzical looks at both parents then grabbed their lunches and book bags and headed out the door. Neither child said goodbye nor did their parents. So they were sent off to school with breakfast and hearts full of anger.
“Don’t you ever threaten to give our children away,” his wife said bitterly. “When are you going to learn how to be a father? Parents do not say such threatening things around or to children. So whatever triggered such a hateful remark needs to be handled.Grow up! And apologize to both of them when you get home!“
He took a sip of coffee and stared at her.“I have nothing to apologize for! You can’t seem to handle anything! There is nothing wrong with what I said. They were being brats and you were allowing it! I get enough pressure at work without having to deal with kids who think they can do anything and not be stopped. At least I stopped them!”
An hour after he left for work, the mother received a call from the school.
“We need to see you, Mrs. Johnson. Abigail is in the principal’s office now. Her father is on his way.”
She hastily dressed, her hands shaking, knowing this was going to be an awful confrontation. Abigail had hit a boy for calling her ‘stupid and useless’.
“Well,” the principal said, “Abigail, tell you parents what happened and why.”
She stammered and blurted out, “‘Cause my dad calls my mother that a lot. I’ve wanted to hit him before too.”
That statement now took verbal abuse to a new level . . . the stepping stone to Domestic Violence. According to the US Department of Agriculture, Safety, Health and Employee Welfare Division, verbal abuse often leads to Domestic Violence. The principal asked the parents to leave the room for a moment.
“Children? Can you tell me what happened this morning before school?”
Embarrassed, they each took their turn relating the morning events. When they were through, she asked the children to leave so she could talk to the parents.
The father took over the reins, changing the story to make his wife appear to be incapable as a parent. The principal told them both that the entire family needed counseling in order to resolve some of the issues. The father stood up, straightened his tie and said: “My wife needs the counseling. Not me. So if you will excuse me, I am late for work,” and stormed out of the principal’s office.
Variations of this same theme happen daily across the country. And if not handled appropriately, it can escalate to Domestic Violence. It is crucial that educators, friends, etc. encourage couples to get counseling. It can only get worse. And keep this in mind: No one knows just what happened that night when the husband returned from work.
WE ALL NEED TO GET INVOLVED----TO PROTECT THE CHILDREN, AND HOPEFULLY GUIDE THE ABUSIVE PEOPLE TO SEEK HELP! TOGETHER, WE CAN ALL MAKE A DIFFERENCE!
What Are The Warning Signs of Potential Abuse, Domestic Violence While You are Dating or Engaged?
Steve and Becky had been dating for several weeks. Becky’s friend had introduced them, told her he had been married before and had a two year old son.
When they met, the connection and infatuation was immediate. Both had high responsibility jobs which they didn’t discuss and worked ten hour days. They shared a quick wit, had equally high intelligence and seemed to bask in the glow of each other. They exchanged phone numbers but not home addresses.
Two weeks after the introduction, he sent her a lavish bouquet of flowers to the office (she assumed her friend had given him the job address) with a card that asked her to join him for dinner at a posh restaurant. She called and accepted the invitation. “I will meet you there.”
“Not necessary my princess,” he said. “I have it all arranged. I will pick you up about six, okay?”
Becky chose her words carefully. “That’s very chivalrous Steve, but I will meet you at six, okay?”
There was a brief silence. “No, my little princess, THAT is not okay. I will pick you up and that is non-negotiable, okay? I’m not comfortable having you drive around the city at night.”
Becky was irritated and abrupt. ‘Little princess?’ she thought. “At the risk of sounding rude, Steve, I will meet you there. And THAT is non-negotiable!”
“Fine,” he snapped and slammed down the phone.
At dinner that night he was gracious with a slight undertone of annoyance. “So, are you one of those women who rules the roost?”
Becky tried to keep the atmosphere amiable and laughed. “No, I compromise. So, tell me about your job?”
Steve was a mood magician. The smile was back. “Well, I’m a lawyer, soon to become a partner in the firm. I graduated top of my class at Rutgers School of Law in New Jersey and was awarded the Order of the Coif. I had so many job offers I couldn’t keep up with them. Now, let’s talk about you. Aren’t you a law clerk or a legal secretary?”
She took a sip of wine. “Well, congratulations! That is a prestigious award.” She paused, then added, “as for me, I’m a corporate attorney. I graduated from Yale Law School.”
His mood changed abruptly. He never acknowledged her achievement. “Let’s order dinner.” He summoned the waiter. And without asking Becky what she wanted, he ordered prime rib for both.
Becky interrupted. “Actually, I would prefer seafood. I would like to begin with oysters on the half shell. And what is the fish of the day?”
“Tilapia,” responded the waiter, “in a white wine sauce.”
She smiled as she handed him the menu. “Perfect! And may I also have a glass of your best Pinot Gruigio?”
“So, Steve,” she said with a smile. “I understand you have a young son. Tell me about him?”
He was quiet for a moment. “There really isn’t anything to tell. I haven’t seen him in months. His mother was awarded full custody which was fine with me. I didn’t want a child to begin with.”
The NATIONAL COALITION AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE has issued several warning signs all women need to know about while dating or engaged that could lead to Domestic Violence and Abuse. Become aware of any man who tries to use power and control over you. Look out for his tendency to intimidate you, put you down or humiliate you trying to make you feel guilty. They often create accusations of jealousy to justify their actions. There can also be demands as you progress in the relationship to quit your job. This is labeled “Economic Abuse”, preventing you from keeping a job and earning your own money.
EDUCATE YOURSELF ON THE ABOVE BEFORE YOU AGREE TO MOVE IN WITH SOMEONE, OR WORSE, TO MARRY THEM!
When they met, the connection and infatuation was immediate. Both had high responsibility jobs which they didn’t discuss and worked ten hour days. They shared a quick wit, had equally high intelligence and seemed to bask in the glow of each other. They exchanged phone numbers but not home addresses.
Two weeks after the introduction, he sent her a lavish bouquet of flowers to the office (she assumed her friend had given him the job address) with a card that asked her to join him for dinner at a posh restaurant. She called and accepted the invitation. “I will meet you there.”
“Not necessary my princess,” he said. “I have it all arranged. I will pick you up about six, okay?”
Becky chose her words carefully. “That’s very chivalrous Steve, but I will meet you at six, okay?”
There was a brief silence. “No, my little princess, THAT is not okay. I will pick you up and that is non-negotiable, okay? I’m not comfortable having you drive around the city at night.”
Becky was irritated and abrupt. ‘Little princess?’ she thought. “At the risk of sounding rude, Steve, I will meet you there. And THAT is non-negotiable!”
“Fine,” he snapped and slammed down the phone.
At dinner that night he was gracious with a slight undertone of annoyance. “So, are you one of those women who rules the roost?”
Becky tried to keep the atmosphere amiable and laughed. “No, I compromise. So, tell me about your job?”
Steve was a mood magician. The smile was back. “Well, I’m a lawyer, soon to become a partner in the firm. I graduated top of my class at Rutgers School of Law in New Jersey and was awarded the Order of the Coif. I had so many job offers I couldn’t keep up with them. Now, let’s talk about you. Aren’t you a law clerk or a legal secretary?”
She took a sip of wine. “Well, congratulations! That is a prestigious award.” She paused, then added, “as for me, I’m a corporate attorney. I graduated from Yale Law School.”
His mood changed abruptly. He never acknowledged her achievement. “Let’s order dinner.” He summoned the waiter. And without asking Becky what she wanted, he ordered prime rib for both.
Becky interrupted. “Actually, I would prefer seafood. I would like to begin with oysters on the half shell. And what is the fish of the day?”
“Tilapia,” responded the waiter, “in a white wine sauce.”
She smiled as she handed him the menu. “Perfect! And may I also have a glass of your best Pinot Gruigio?”
“So, Steve,” she said with a smile. “I understand you have a young son. Tell me about him?”
He was quiet for a moment. “There really isn’t anything to tell. I haven’t seen him in months. His mother was awarded full custody which was fine with me. I didn’t want a child to begin with.”
The NATIONAL COALITION AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE has issued several warning signs all women need to know about while dating or engaged that could lead to Domestic Violence and Abuse. Become aware of any man who tries to use power and control over you. Look out for his tendency to intimidate you, put you down or humiliate you trying to make you feel guilty. They often create accusations of jealousy to justify their actions. There can also be demands as you progress in the relationship to quit your job. This is labeled “Economic Abuse”, preventing you from keeping a job and earning your own money.
EDUCATE YOURSELF ON THE ABOVE BEFORE YOU AGREE TO MOVE IN WITH SOMEONE, OR WORSE, TO MARRY THEM!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Domestic Violence and Honesty: Are You Protecting Your Abusive Spouse/Partner
Domestic Violence and Honesty: Are you protecting your abusive spouse/partner?
It is late one evening and her spouse began to rant and rave about her job; a job which often required overtime hours but paid extremely well. She had called her husband to let him know she would be late, which he did more frequently than she did. When she walked into the kitchen, he started to yell, which quickly escalated to swearing. He demanded that she quit. She shouted back. “No, I’m not giving up my job just because you find it inconvenient!” and stormed out of the kitchen, quickly ran up the stairs to the bedroom and locked the door. Her heart pounded as she heard him stomp up the stairs. He banged on the door with a full body force until it opened. He cornered her, grabbed her by the shoulders and dragged her out of the bedroom yelling. “You’ll do what I say or you will be sorry.” Again, she fought back but lowered her voice so she wouldn’t awaken the children. “I won’t quit my job because you demanded it. Have I ever told you to quit yours?” she snarled.
His face was drawn into a menacing scowl. She had challenged his control over her. When they reached the top of the staircase, he grabbed her, clamped his hand over her mouth and in one push, sent her tumbling down the stairs. She couldn’t break the fall and hit the foyer with such force it knocked her out.
He left her there for hours and when she regained consciousness, she could not move her left arm which was swollen and bruised. He gently helped her up. “Honey, I’m so sorry you tripped. I’ll get you to an emergency room. Let me get our next door neighbor to stay with the kids.”
On the way to the hospital he told her that he would talk to the doctor, not her. After X-rays were taken, she was put in a curtained berth of the ER. After almost an hour, a doctor pulled the drape back. He put the X-rays up on the lighted panel. Her husband stood at the head of the bed, gently stroking her head.
“You have two bad breaks. Can you tell me how this happened?” She looked up at her theatrically concerned partner. “She tripped on her robe and fell down the stairs.”
Why was she protecting him? She was terrified to unveil the truth. Where would she go? What would he do to her if she did?
This scenario happens across the country DAILY. It is a part of the cycle of abuse. Fortunately, most ER’s are staffed with doctors and nurses who have been trained to recognize injuries related to domestic violence. If she had told the truth, the ER would have called the police who would have taken him into custody. To lie and protect your abuser is only creating more abuse for you and possible death.
It is time to take control of your life. There are so many facilities to aid victims of domestic violence. They can get you to a safe place where the abuser will not be able to find you, and if you have children, to protect them as well. The ER in your state or the police will give you a list of shelters and hotline numbers in your area. DO NO DELAY. You can also call the NATIONAL DOMESTIC HOTLINE toll free number: 1-800-799-SAFE.
It is late one evening and her spouse began to rant and rave about her job; a job which often required overtime hours but paid extremely well. She had called her husband to let him know she would be late, which he did more frequently than she did. When she walked into the kitchen, he started to yell, which quickly escalated to swearing. He demanded that she quit. She shouted back. “No, I’m not giving up my job just because you find it inconvenient!” and stormed out of the kitchen, quickly ran up the stairs to the bedroom and locked the door. Her heart pounded as she heard him stomp up the stairs. He banged on the door with a full body force until it opened. He cornered her, grabbed her by the shoulders and dragged her out of the bedroom yelling. “You’ll do what I say or you will be sorry.” Again, she fought back but lowered her voice so she wouldn’t awaken the children. “I won’t quit my job because you demanded it. Have I ever told you to quit yours?” she snarled.
His face was drawn into a menacing scowl. She had challenged his control over her. When they reached the top of the staircase, he grabbed her, clamped his hand over her mouth and in one push, sent her tumbling down the stairs. She couldn’t break the fall and hit the foyer with such force it knocked her out.
He left her there for hours and when she regained consciousness, she could not move her left arm which was swollen and bruised. He gently helped her up. “Honey, I’m so sorry you tripped. I’ll get you to an emergency room. Let me get our next door neighbor to stay with the kids.”
On the way to the hospital he told her that he would talk to the doctor, not her. After X-rays were taken, she was put in a curtained berth of the ER. After almost an hour, a doctor pulled the drape back. He put the X-rays up on the lighted panel. Her husband stood at the head of the bed, gently stroking her head.
“You have two bad breaks. Can you tell me how this happened?” She looked up at her theatrically concerned partner. “She tripped on her robe and fell down the stairs.”
Why was she protecting him? She was terrified to unveil the truth. Where would she go? What would he do to her if she did?
This scenario happens across the country DAILY. It is a part of the cycle of abuse. Fortunately, most ER’s are staffed with doctors and nurses who have been trained to recognize injuries related to domestic violence. If she had told the truth, the ER would have called the police who would have taken him into custody. To lie and protect your abuser is only creating more abuse for you and possible death.
It is time to take control of your life. There are so many facilities to aid victims of domestic violence. They can get you to a safe place where the abuser will not be able to find you, and if you have children, to protect them as well. The ER in your state or the police will give you a list of shelters and hotline numbers in your area. DO NO DELAY. You can also call the NATIONAL DOMESTIC HOTLINE toll free number: 1-800-799-SAFE.
Domestic Violence: The Effects on Children in the Household
“Mommy, Mommy,” cried the seven year old. “You have blood on your face and in your hair,” she said in a fearful voice.
“It’s okay sweetheart. Mommy just fell in the shower.”
She was silent for a moment than said, “I heard Daddy yelling at you last night. It woke me up.
Will he hurt my sister and me too?”
Her mother lied. “No honey. Daddy didn’t do this. He loves us. You must have had a bad dream.”
For years, similar episodes occurred. The mother thought she was protecting her young but as they grew, their behavior became difficult. The youngest withdrew into her shell, staying in her room with the door closed, refusing to invite friends over when her father was home. The oldest, who had been an honor student, became belligerent. Her grades began to drop and she would refuse to go to school. In the middle of the night, she would often wake screaming for help. Her father would leap out of bed, charge into her room and demand that she stop screaming or he would get his belt and give her a spanking she would never forget!
As her oldest child (13) entered her teens, this once well-disciplined child would sneak out of the house at night when her father was away on business trips and meet boys. Both children would cry if their mother reprimanded them.
Exhausted and frightened, the mother took both children to see a psychologist. The doctor would not permit the mother in the room. After an hour session, the doctor asked the girls to sit in the waiting room and asked the mother to come in. The psychologist said: “Your children are being traumatized by their father.” She paused then asked, “Are you an abused wife?”
After a few minutes the mother lifted her head and said, “Yes. But I am trying to fix it.” The doctor told her she needed help and to get out of the house and the marriage, for her safety and the safety of her children.
When the bill came and their father saw it, he demanded she stop taking the children. “This is on my company medical insurance,” he shouted. “I won’t have my kids going to some shrink. Do you understand?” He slapped her then added, “You are causing this. Learn how to be a decent mother and this won’t be necessary!”
Similar occurrences happen in households throughout the county. According to the National Center for Children Exposed to Violence, there are 3 to 10 MILLION CHILDREN AFFECTED ANNUALLY.
You need to protect yourself and your family before it is too late. IT IS TIME FOR YOU AS THE MOTHER TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS TO LEAVE AND GO TO A SAFE PLACE. DO NOT WAIT, DO NOT HESITATE. YOUR LIFE AND THE LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN DEPEND ON YOUR BRAVERY TO TAKE THAT IMPORTANT STEP. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO PROTECT YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN!!
You can contact the National Center for Children Exposed to Violence @ nccev.org, or call @ 203-785-7047, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline toll free: 1-800-799-SAFE.
Please visit my website: http://www.domesticchronicle.com. I was in an abusive marriage for eighteen years. My book describes what happened and how I escaped. FOR WORSE NEVER BETTER: Diary of An Abused Wife and Escape to Freedom can help you. Order @ authorhouse.com (soft cover) and 50% of proceeds will go to the CHRYSALIS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SHELTER!
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“It’s okay sweetheart. Mommy just fell in the shower.”
She was silent for a moment than said, “I heard Daddy yelling at you last night. It woke me up.
Will he hurt my sister and me too?”
Her mother lied. “No honey. Daddy didn’t do this. He loves us. You must have had a bad dream.”
For years, similar episodes occurred. The mother thought she was protecting her young but as they grew, their behavior became difficult. The youngest withdrew into her shell, staying in her room with the door closed, refusing to invite friends over when her father was home. The oldest, who had been an honor student, became belligerent. Her grades began to drop and she would refuse to go to school. In the middle of the night, she would often wake screaming for help. Her father would leap out of bed, charge into her room and demand that she stop screaming or he would get his belt and give her a spanking she would never forget!
As her oldest child (13) entered her teens, this once well-disciplined child would sneak out of the house at night when her father was away on business trips and meet boys. Both children would cry if their mother reprimanded them.
Exhausted and frightened, the mother took both children to see a psychologist. The doctor would not permit the mother in the room. After an hour session, the doctor asked the girls to sit in the waiting room and asked the mother to come in. The psychologist said: “Your children are being traumatized by their father.” She paused then asked, “Are you an abused wife?”
After a few minutes the mother lifted her head and said, “Yes. But I am trying to fix it.” The doctor told her she needed help and to get out of the house and the marriage, for her safety and the safety of her children.
When the bill came and their father saw it, he demanded she stop taking the children. “This is on my company medical insurance,” he shouted. “I won’t have my kids going to some shrink. Do you understand?” He slapped her then added, “You are causing this. Learn how to be a decent mother and this won’t be necessary!”
Similar occurrences happen in households throughout the county. According to the National Center for Children Exposed to Violence, there are 3 to 10 MILLION CHILDREN AFFECTED ANNUALLY.
You need to protect yourself and your family before it is too late. IT IS TIME FOR YOU AS THE MOTHER TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS TO LEAVE AND GO TO A SAFE PLACE. DO NOT WAIT, DO NOT HESITATE. YOUR LIFE AND THE LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN DEPEND ON YOUR BRAVERY TO TAKE THAT IMPORTANT STEP. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO PROTECT YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN!!
You can contact the National Center for Children Exposed to Violence @ nccev.org, or call @ 203-785-7047, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline toll free: 1-800-799-SAFE.
Please visit my website: http://www.domesticchronicle.com. I was in an abusive marriage for eighteen years. My book describes what happened and how I escaped. FOR WORSE NEVER BETTER: Diary of An Abused Wife and Escape to Freedom can help you. Order @ authorhouse.com (soft cover) and 50% of proceeds will go to the CHRYSALIS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SHELTER!
Labels: children, Domestic Violence
Posted by Penne at 2:40 PM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to Facebook
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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST MEN: IT IS MORE PREVALENT THAN WE THINK
Mark and Valerie had just left a movie. Hand in hand, they strolled toward their car and suddenly heard shouting and screaming. They stopped walking. The mall parking lot was well lit. They listened, scanned the area but did not see nor hear anyone.
As Mark opened the door to their car, they heard the loud voice again. A male voice. “Leave me alone! “he shouted. This has gone on long enough. I’m filing for divorce. You’re a sick woman! You just broke my nose! You need professional help. I’ll take a cab and pick up my car and the kids at the house. Just leave!” Then silence.
Mark started the car and put windows down. They listened for voices but heard none. Suddenly the voices could be heard. A female voice shouting, “Oh no you won’t. I’ll take you to court so fast you won’t have time to retain counsel. You are not leaving! I won’t allow it.”
His voice was louder this time. “You don’t have to allow it! Now stop punching me. My nose is already broken. Keep your hands off me or I’ll call the police! NOW!
Valerie was dumbfounded. “Mark?” she whispered. “Have you ever heard of a man being abused? Or are we just misinterpreting what we are hearing?”
He thought for a moment. “No, I don’t think so. You hear plenty of stories about violence against women, but I don’t recall ever reading about a man being the victim. I don’t understand. Why doesn’t he just push her away, get in the car and leave.?”
They decided to drive around, windows down, and find out where this was coming from. After a few minutes they spotted the couple. They were both tall. He was well built, however she was overweight. They were standing behind a late model black sedan. Mark found an open parking spot near the sparring couple and turned off the lights.
“Wow,” Valerie said quietly. “I really thought he was the attacker. But look at his face. He is covered in blood.”
He was about respond when they heard the man yell out in pain. They had a clear vision of the woman, punching him in the face and arms, ordering him to get back in the car.
“That does it,” Mark said and dialed 911.
In minutes, the police arrived. Mark got out of the car and flagged them down. He briefly explained what they saw and what they heard. He gave the police his driver’s license, his phone numbers and directed them to the couple.
Thirty-eight percent of injured victims are men. Referred to as the Battered Male Syndrome, men are reluctant to admit they have been abused by their spouses or anyone else. These victims often suffer in silence and try to keep peace in the household, protecting their children
as much as they can. And just as female victims tend to lie to coworkers, friends or family, they will lie about the cause of visible injuries.
Many Domestic Violence Shelters across the United States now offer protection to abused men. And with sufficient evidence, they will be given custody of the children.
The oldest Men’s Rights Organization in North America began as The National Coalition of Free Men (NCFM) in 1977. It is now called The National Coalition of Men, Inc. The Organization also includes women.
I urge everyone to get involved. Don’t turn the other cheek if you witness domestic violence or abuse. ACT ON IT. Dial 911. You could save a life!
As Mark opened the door to their car, they heard the loud voice again. A male voice. “Leave me alone! “he shouted. This has gone on long enough. I’m filing for divorce. You’re a sick woman! You just broke my nose! You need professional help. I’ll take a cab and pick up my car and the kids at the house. Just leave!” Then silence.
Mark started the car and put windows down. They listened for voices but heard none. Suddenly the voices could be heard. A female voice shouting, “Oh no you won’t. I’ll take you to court so fast you won’t have time to retain counsel. You are not leaving! I won’t allow it.”
His voice was louder this time. “You don’t have to allow it! Now stop punching me. My nose is already broken. Keep your hands off me or I’ll call the police! NOW!
Valerie was dumbfounded. “Mark?” she whispered. “Have you ever heard of a man being abused? Or are we just misinterpreting what we are hearing?”
He thought for a moment. “No, I don’t think so. You hear plenty of stories about violence against women, but I don’t recall ever reading about a man being the victim. I don’t understand. Why doesn’t he just push her away, get in the car and leave.?”
They decided to drive around, windows down, and find out where this was coming from. After a few minutes they spotted the couple. They were both tall. He was well built, however she was overweight. They were standing behind a late model black sedan. Mark found an open parking spot near the sparring couple and turned off the lights.
“Wow,” Valerie said quietly. “I really thought he was the attacker. But look at his face. He is covered in blood.”
He was about respond when they heard the man yell out in pain. They had a clear vision of the woman, punching him in the face and arms, ordering him to get back in the car.
“That does it,” Mark said and dialed 911.
In minutes, the police arrived. Mark got out of the car and flagged them down. He briefly explained what they saw and what they heard. He gave the police his driver’s license, his phone numbers and directed them to the couple.
Thirty-eight percent of injured victims are men. Referred to as the Battered Male Syndrome, men are reluctant to admit they have been abused by their spouses or anyone else. These victims often suffer in silence and try to keep peace in the household, protecting their children
as much as they can. And just as female victims tend to lie to coworkers, friends or family, they will lie about the cause of visible injuries.
Many Domestic Violence Shelters across the United States now offer protection to abused men. And with sufficient evidence, they will be given custody of the children.
The oldest Men’s Rights Organization in North America began as The National Coalition of Free Men (NCFM) in 1977. It is now called The National Coalition of Men, Inc. The Organization also includes women.
I urge everyone to get involved. Don’t turn the other cheek if you witness domestic violence or abuse. ACT ON IT. Dial 911. You could save a life!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
SPEND FOUR DOLLARS AND SAVE A LIFE
Recently, I put my book on Amazon Kindle ebook at a very low price. . .$3.99! As most of you know, I am donating 50% of all proceeds to the Chrysalis Domestic Violence Shelter in Phoenix. But more important than that, we can loan ebook equipment to those being abused to read the book and understand what they are living and why.
Since this book came out, I have talked with literally hundreds of women (men are more reticent to connect) who want so much to live in a safe place, free of fear, to give their children a home full of love instead of hate. They often say, "I loved him so much. What did I do to deserve this?"
We know the answer. Nothing. But THEY need to understand what they are living and why, to know that someone cares and that they have the ability deep within to get beyond the perpetual clouds of abuse and experience the rainbows of peace.
Will you help them? We can do this across the country. For $3.99 you could change someones life forever. Take the ebook to your local shelter and you will make a difference.
Is it worth it? YOU BET IT IS!!! Let's join together as a country and help END DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
Since this book came out, I have talked with literally hundreds of women (men are more reticent to connect) who want so much to live in a safe place, free of fear, to give their children a home full of love instead of hate. They often say, "I loved him so much. What did I do to deserve this?"
We know the answer. Nothing. But THEY need to understand what they are living and why, to know that someone cares and that they have the ability deep within to get beyond the perpetual clouds of abuse and experience the rainbows of peace.
Will you help them? We can do this across the country. For $3.99 you could change someones life forever. Take the ebook to your local shelter and you will make a difference.
Is it worth it? YOU BET IT IS!!! Let's join together as a country and help END DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
HELPING ABUSED WOMEN GET BACK ON THEIR FEET
URGENT! WE NEED EVERYONE’S HELP TO END DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
According to the American Institute on Domestic Violence, 5.3 women are victims of abuse and 1,232 American women are killed!!!
Take a moment and think: What would it be like to flee for your life with nothing?
Most abused women have to get out in a hurry, leaving everything but the clothes they are wearing to save their lives, and many times, their children as well. So when they enter the safe haven of a shelter, they have their lives but they don’t have so much as a toothbrush!
I’m asking all women and men to go through their clothes, children’s toys, and collect those items they do not need nor want.
To name a few might help:
1. Women’s and men’s clothing including underwear. Obviously, you want all clothing to be freshly laundered with no holes, stains, etc.
2. Children’s clothing, toys, crayons, coloring books etc.
3. Toiletries (unopened) such as soap, toothpaste, toothbrushes, shampoo, feminine products (tampons, pads, etc.), soap, mouthwash, brushes, combs, curling irons. You can find most of these items at a dollar store.
4. On Tuesday, check out the various shelters in your area, or if you have one. You will be directed by dedicated people.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP
Monday, August 8, 2011
THE POTENTIAL DANGER OF SEARCHING THE INTERNET FOR INFORMATION ON DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AT HOME!
Yes, the internet has a wealth of information to help you get away from your abuser. But: DO NOT DO THIS AT HOME. You never know when your abusive partner may walk in while you are searching.
I suggest you either go to the home of a friend or to the library. You will have the momentary emotional peace to search for what you need. ALWAYS THINK OF YOUR SAFETY FIRST AND YOUR CHILDREN!
I suggest you either go to the home of a friend or to the library. You will have the momentary emotional peace to search for what you need. ALWAYS THINK OF YOUR SAFETY FIRST AND YOUR CHILDREN!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Signs of Domestic Violence in the Workplace: Helping a Coworker
You have noticed a coworker in the breakroom, or the bathroom whom you do not know well. She is shy but friendly. Over the past year, she has come to work with bruises on her face, not completely concealed by heavy makeup. Last week, she showed up with a cast on her left arm. You suspect she is being abused and want to help, but how? You do not know her well so you must be very cautious not to frighten her or jeopardize her job.
1. First and foremost, gather information at home, not at the office. Locate a list of Domestic Violence Shelters in the area with names, phone numbers and addresses. Research Domestic Violence so you have a clear understanding of victims and what will be most beneficial for your coworker. Make a list and include: Domestic Violence laws in your state; her rights under the law; relatives living close to her who might be able to help.
2. If your company has an employee manual, read it to see if there are any policies for Domestic Violence.
3. Slowly begin to befriend her. Compliment her hair or clothing. Try and find out her birthdate. This will give you an "in" to invite her to lunch.
4. You have noticed that while most of the employees go out for lunch, she eats at her desk. Take the next step by bringing your lunch to work. When you pass her office and see she is eating, knock lightly on her door. "Hi there," you say cheerfully. "I don't like eating alone. May I join you?"
5. She is pleasantly receptive, quickly pulling up a chair for you. They talk about their children, the job. You bring up your husband, however, she does not offer any comments about her spouse.
6. You know she is about your age, in her thirties. You exchange information about where you were born and your birthdates.
7. "Great," you say. "I would love to take you to lunch. Deal?"
8. She graciously accepts. It is only two weeks away. "You pick the restaurant," I tell her.
9. Prepare for the lunch date. Try and get her to talk. If you know someone in your family or friends who have been victims of domestic violence, let her know and take it from there. Promise her confidentiality between them. Give her the information you have gathered by saying,"I really like you and will help you in any way I can."
10. She is nervous but accepts the information. "I will have to keep it in my office," she says. "But thank you."
11. As they drive back to work, her coworker seems nervous but reaches over and touches your hand.
"Thank you for caring," she says. "I want to be free!"
1. First and foremost, gather information at home, not at the office. Locate a list of Domestic Violence Shelters in the area with names, phone numbers and addresses. Research Domestic Violence so you have a clear understanding of victims and what will be most beneficial for your coworker. Make a list and include: Domestic Violence laws in your state; her rights under the law; relatives living close to her who might be able to help.
2. If your company has an employee manual, read it to see if there are any policies for Domestic Violence.
3. Slowly begin to befriend her. Compliment her hair or clothing. Try and find out her birthdate. This will give you an "in" to invite her to lunch.
4. You have noticed that while most of the employees go out for lunch, she eats at her desk. Take the next step by bringing your lunch to work. When you pass her office and see she is eating, knock lightly on her door. "Hi there," you say cheerfully. "I don't like eating alone. May I join you?"
5. She is pleasantly receptive, quickly pulling up a chair for you. They talk about their children, the job. You bring up your husband, however, she does not offer any comments about her spouse.
6. You know she is about your age, in her thirties. You exchange information about where you were born and your birthdates.
7. "Great," you say. "I would love to take you to lunch. Deal?"
8. She graciously accepts. It is only two weeks away. "You pick the restaurant," I tell her.
9. Prepare for the lunch date. Try and get her to talk. If you know someone in your family or friends who have been victims of domestic violence, let her know and take it from there. Promise her confidentiality between them. Give her the information you have gathered by saying,"I really like you and will help you in any way I can."
10. She is nervous but accepts the information. "I will have to keep it in my office," she says. "But thank you."
11. As they drive back to work, her coworker seems nervous but reaches over and touches your hand.
"Thank you for caring," she says. "I want to be free!"
Sunday, July 17, 2011
On To New Beginnings: How a Brave Woman Escaped From Domestic Violence and Abuse
I received such a JOYFUL email this morning from a young woman who had read my book then filled out the form on the first page of my website. "The lights came on," she said. "And I knew I had the
power within to get my children and I OUT OF A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE household I had been in for almost nine years!"
"Your book made me understand what I was doing and why," she wrote. "It will be a long road but my 3 children and I are safe now, in counseling with SO MUCH SUPPORT from our local shelter. I can't thank you enough for having the courage to write your book. You gave me the JOLT I needed to end a life of fear. And I was surprised by your sense of humor! I will keep this book the rest of my life. You are my hero!"
Of course I cried, then responded! "You are the hero! Good luck and keep in touch!"
power within to get my children and I OUT OF A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE household I had been in for almost nine years!"
"Your book made me understand what I was doing and why," she wrote. "It will be a long road but my 3 children and I are safe now, in counseling with SO MUCH SUPPORT from our local shelter. I can't thank you enough for having the courage to write your book. You gave me the JOLT I needed to end a life of fear. And I was surprised by your sense of humor! I will keep this book the rest of my life. You are my hero!"
Of course I cried, then responded! "You are the hero! Good luck and keep in touch!"
Monday, July 11, 2011
Are You Being ABUSED? Don't Wait until you are ABUSED, AGAIN!
In my book, many people ask me why I stayed so long in the marriage. The answer is not a simple one.
My abuse began in 1967. It was not a topic ANYONE discussed. There were no shelters or laws against Domestic Violence---WHICH IS NOW A FELONY! And yes, I thought I could change him.
I was so wrong. If you are being abused by a spouse or partner, make the decision TO GET OUT NOW.
I stayed for too many years in a love-hate relationship and was severely injured several times. . .injuries that are still creating health problems in 2011! I urge you to get help NOW.
And, if you have a job, go to your boss, be totally honest with what is happening and explain that you need to get out! There are few bosses that will not understand the life-threatening environment you are in. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM.
CALL THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE toll free number: 1-800-799-SAFE
You can contact me on my website @ http://domesticviolencechronicle.com/.
HERE'S TO YOUR BRAVERY AND A PEACEFUL LIFE!
My abuse began in 1967. It was not a topic ANYONE discussed. There were no shelters or laws against Domestic Violence---WHICH IS NOW A FELONY! And yes, I thought I could change him.
I was so wrong. If you are being abused by a spouse or partner, make the decision TO GET OUT NOW.
I stayed for too many years in a love-hate relationship and was severely injured several times. . .injuries that are still creating health problems in 2011! I urge you to get help NOW.
And, if you have a job, go to your boss, be totally honest with what is happening and explain that you need to get out! There are few bosses that will not understand the life-threatening environment you are in. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM.
CALL THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE toll free number: 1-800-799-SAFE
You can contact me on my website @ http://domesticviolencechronicle.com/.
HERE'S TO YOUR BRAVERY AND A PEACEFUL LIFE!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Abuse, Domestic Violence Against Men
As a volunteer guest speaker for CHRYSALIS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SHELTER, I have been overwhelmed by the number of men, some husbands and others in same-sex relationships who are being abused. For years, Domestic Violence focused only on women. But the abuse and violence AGAINST MEN IS ESCALATING. I have met some outstanding men in my work with CHRYSALIS who have been brutally beaten and abused by their partners. Fortunately, organizations helping domestic violence victims have become more aware of this serious problem and are now in a better position to help male victims.
If you or someone you know is being abused, urge them to contact: THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE. The toll free number is: 1-800-799-7233; or victims can contact SAFE (Stop Abuse For Everyone) @ their website: http://www.safe-4all.org/.
I urge everyone TO GET INVOLVED. Together we can reach the goal of ending Domestic Violence!
If you or someone you know is being abused, urge them to contact: THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE. The toll free number is: 1-800-799-7233; or victims can contact SAFE (Stop Abuse For Everyone) @ their website: http://www.safe-4all.org/.
I urge everyone TO GET INVOLVED. Together we can reach the goal of ending Domestic Violence!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Domestic Violence, Abuse: Do you feel alone and trapped?
I remember the day a good friend/neighbor sat me down and said: "Admit it, Penne.""Admit what?" I said.
He paused, leaned forward, held my hands and said: "Be honest with yourself. YOU ARE AN ABUSED WOMAN."
This, of course, was the truth. I was humiliated, embarrassed that the man I loved so much could be charming on one day and abusive the next. Then the panic: how would I support our two children? Where would I go? Would he find me and inflict more violence?
My friend held my hands. "For now Penne, you need to accept your parents offer to stay with them. Or, if you prefer, I can help you find a shelter where you will be safe."
He was right. I had to get away. And I had to tell my children the truth.
It was the best advice a loving friend could give. Know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. According to the domestic violencePlease contact your local Domestic Violence Shelter or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline @ 1-800-799-SAFE.
He paused, leaned forward, held my hands and said: "Be honest with yourself. YOU ARE AN ABUSED WOMAN."
This, of course, was the truth. I was humiliated, embarrassed that the man I loved so much could be charming on one day and abusive the next. Then the panic: how would I support our two children? Where would I go? Would he find me and inflict more violence?
My friend held my hands. "For now Penne, you need to accept your parents offer to stay with them. Or, if you prefer, I can help you find a shelter where you will be safe."
He was right. I had to get away. And I had to tell my children the truth.
It was the best advice a loving friend could give. Know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. According to the domestic violencePlease contact your local Domestic Violence Shelter or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline @ 1-800-799-SAFE.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Domestic Violence: How To Escape To Freedom
You are NOT ALONE! There are over 1.3 million women abused in the United States every year. I was in a domestic violence marriage for eighteen years. BUT I ESCAPED TO FREEDOM and so can you!
We have come a long way in dealing with domestic abuse. But anyone trapped in such a relationship has the power to reach within to reach out and seek help. It is there for the asking. Every state in the US has domestic violence shelters, places where you will be safe, and, if you have children, they too will be in a non-violent atmosphere.
If you do not know the name or location of the shelters in your state, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline @ the toll free number: 1-800-799-SAFE! Or you can email them: http://www.ncvh.org/.
Please feel free to fill in the information at the far right side of my website. I AM MORE THAN WILLING TO GUIDE YOU. I understand the fear, the hopelessness, the sorrow and devastation.
BE BRAVE! You too can begin a new life and LIVE FREE!
May peace come your way very soon.
We have come a long way in dealing with domestic abuse. But anyone trapped in such a relationship has the power to reach within to reach out and seek help. It is there for the asking. Every state in the US has domestic violence shelters, places where you will be safe, and, if you have children, they too will be in a non-violent atmosphere.
If you do not know the name or location of the shelters in your state, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline @ the toll free number: 1-800-799-SAFE! Or you can email them: http://www.ncvh.org/.
Please feel free to fill in the information at the far right side of my website. I AM MORE THAN WILLING TO GUIDE YOU. I understand the fear, the hopelessness, the sorrow and devastation.
BE BRAVE! You too can begin a new life and LIVE FREE!
May peace come your way very soon.
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